For the past two weeks, I had been in the eye of the storm. I was ready to pack up, go home to my home country, and create a new life. I am losing grip of who I am, where I am heading, and how can I get my financials and personal life in shape. It is a daily struggle and it is of no help if you have someone who belittles you every other day of what you have not done. When one have self-esteem issues and you are in a relationship with someone who has more issues than you are is a RECIPE FOR DISASTER! My current life is a cyclical of negativity then a bit of peace then back to negativity. I wish to drown myself of the misery and glue myself to the negativity that is surrounding my life so I would not have to get up and face another day. When you have NO VOICE and NOBODY is listening to you, they see you but they do not really see you..What would you do? Maybe, become invincible indefinitely……..


What would you do if you feel empty, destitude, and ready to quit? Ambiguity about one’s  life choices means to be a death sentence. For a very long time, I go where the wind flows. Where did it got me?  A temporary refuge of darkness. I envy those people who knows where the light is and wants to aspire to be in it consistently. Consistency, persistence, and positivity are all the values that I lack. The 21 days rule of changing a habit is too much burden for me because at day 7, I crack and I go back to my old ways, old habits.

A quote (pulled out from google images) that I need to reflect on.



Deadzone…version 2.0

Throwback blog from yesterday that I just posted today:

Today is Sunday, the 5th of August at 3 in the afternoon. Am in the backyard, composing this blog while playing frisbee and ball with my three dogs, Chazzy, Walter, and Peter Parker. My mind is rioting with ideas on how to rise above my deadzone state. I used to have a planner. Am thinking, would a planner help me get motivated to do the things that I wanted to do? How can I block my precious pages eBook? How can I be consistent in exercising every day? How can I finish one project a week related to house improvements? How can I save money to pay for my debts? How can I be consistently motivated  to wake up early  every day and do the things I wanted to do? How can I keep up with my studies and get very good grades?   So many questions and I know the answers but NO INERTIA TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. I have been meaning to talk to a psychologist for awhile now. I got the phone # and it is just one click away.  I have been reading, and I self diagnosed myselft  that I might be suffering from a borderline personality disorder (BPD). I need  to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to really know for sure what I have or have not. . I bought an e-book on BPD. I haven’t read the book yet and will read it next week.

It is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to be in a ying and yang state of mind plus having some self-esteem issues. If and when I see a psychologist, I’ll provide you an insight on the diagnosis as well as what management can be done.

I am planning to buy this KIKKI planner but I have to save up first because it cost like 74 bucks minus the monogram, shipping, and taxes. If I do buy one,  I need to used it consistently rather than on a need to need basis and should be part of my lifestyle change.


Deadzone…version 1.0

My to do list are piling up and am stuck in a static mode. I feel like I am in a TWILIGHT ZONE, aptly titled the “DEADZONE”. I have more deadzone moments than dynamic moments in my entire life. I remember what my mom told me that I inherited the trait of sheer idleness on my father’s side. Maybe, maybe not. I do believe that I am partly shaped by genetics and by the environment. I guess I grew up pampered with household help doing the cooking, laundry, and other related housekeeping activities. I am not responsible either for the household help salaries and other costs involved in maintaining a household. All of these are being taken care of by my parents. I do not blame my parents for providing me the best possible conveniences life has to offer. I wish that my parents could have at an early age, given me responsibilities or tasks or has been given enough ARSENAL to cope up with the outside world.

If I have a kid and will probably not have one, I wish my kid to learn about good study habits, cooking, sewing, carpentry, and all the do-it-yourself (DIY) skills because it is with these skills that everything else follows. Of course, the importance of education, ethical values, and professionalism should not be taken for granted. A well-rounded individual is more ready to handle what challenges life has to offer.

Below are products of my motivational creativity which happens mostly RARELY. My paintings are copied versions of other people’s works. I used acrylic paints.


The haircut

Hair is a woman’s crowning glory. There is no argument to this statement because a contest between disheveled hair vs well fashioned hair and well cut hair always wins on the popularity on beauty and on life. I decided for an unknown reason that I wanted an undercut. Undercut/High Fade/Bald Fade/Hard Part/High & Tight originated in England in the Edwardian era (around the 1900’s – 1920’s). A style common among men  of  the working class and of the  poor. Back then, it signifies unskilled barbering.  I was aware of the undercut but has no inclination until now. My interest was piqued by an Instagram post of Ms. Alice Dixson, an actress in the Philippines. Her video post showed it could be hidden and not to be totally out there. My decision to do it now is  because I want something different or something that I have not done or maybe, it is an act of  Rebellion. Nice chick persona with a rebel in hiding. I had my undercut done by a barber because most of the hair salons that I called does not do undercut. Pinterest pictures of undercut does not come close to what my undercut looks like. There is a tiny bit of disappointment because it did not turn out the way I wanted to. Social media and reality, most of the time does not jive. 

My advise for those  women or men who wanted  this type of cut, look for a barber that is an expert on this field. I thought that the barber that I went  to are proficient in doing this type of style, unfortunately, it seems that they are not.  Another advise is to inform  the barber ahead of time what type of designs you wanted, show the picture or better yet, send the picture through an email a day or couple of hours from your scheduled appointment so that can prepare how  to take on an intricate design. Don’t forget to ask how much  and how long. For the cut,  I paid $40 plus tip ( I gave a big tip because it took the barber like an hour to finish the cut and for effort). My experience was comparable to an eyebrow threading, there is that grinding and ticklish feeling. 

Would I do it again? Maybe, depending on whose cutting my hair…CHOOSE WISELY.

My  reality  (left side)  vs.   alternate reality (right side)



The Sunset

The topic of sunset at daytime is a befitting conversation for people like myself who wants to sleep until late afternoon. My alternate reality of  orange yellowish musky color of sunsent beckons me into a lullaby of peaceful and quiet drift into deep undisturbed sleep.

My favorite poem below…a very common and may be so passe but it still affects and helps me to keep going…the line “rest if you must, but don’t you quit” is apt for what I feel right now.



I wish I can blog my way in to SLEEP…Getting the rest I wanted is getting evasive. My muscles are sore from too much walking. I even had a massage from my boyfriend (I had to beg him to do it) which he rarely does. I’m grateful anyway to him and what I have accomplished yesterday. My mind is rapidly thinking of topics that I can write on this blog. Since, I only had 1 day of blogging so far, I felt that this is what I called BLOG MANIA…I hope I don’t get BLOG APATHY later on…I do not want this to be added to my list of HALF-BAKE activities (just started but never accomplished). This is my short and sweet blog to end my day.

Sayonara everyone until later today!

N.B. Am thinking of keeping my blog posts to a maximum of two a day so as not to overwhelm my brittle mind and body…Oops, I have an assignment today…better get to sleep soon…

“Take the risk. Endure it. Everything follows with an open mind and heart. ” – C-E

San Leandro Community Library

The San Leandro Community Library…for students and voracious readers.

MY 2nd FIRST VISITS OF THE DAY: SAN LEANDRO PUBLIC LIBRARY (SLPH) for an intensive study time. I have a whole book that I need to finish at the end of this week. So far, I was able to finish the other half of chapter 7…basically, 800 pages more to go…HUH? This is what I get for PROCRASTINATING…I wish I have superpowers for fast eye coordination and fast long term retention. I found a good spot for studying, with mind you, a very important requirement, charging outlet for my phone and kindle. I have simple joys in life, I am not as critical to things that does not directly relate to my personal issues. I find SLPH a good place to hang out whether as a past time or a more focused learning.

My study table and view at the library and I can even raise my legs up.

The Cafe…


CAFE SORRISO – my first time to visit this place for breakfast. Located in downtown San Leandro. Forgot to ask the server what sorriso means.  Pretty quaint, with outlets for laptop and for charging phone, and a personable server. It feels homely. I think they serve breaksfast and some vietnamese food and drinks. My take: I like it because it is unassuming and with great customer service. I usually support mom and pop or local business. Is this what we call micro-economics? (This is a wayward topic) One of these days, I will have to re-enroll myself to micro-economics. I bailed out on my first class on micro-economics. It has some calculations and anything to do with math makes me jittery and nervous so I had to withdraw from the class…

Downtown San Leandro (Northern California)