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How do you navigate a life full of ambivalence?

How do you deal with a life influenced by the people around you?

How do you  deal with addictions of laziness, movies, phone, and bed?

These are few of  the questions that questions my mental health…

 

 

 

Storm…

For the past two weeks, I had been in the eye of the storm. I was ready to pack up, go home to my home country, and create a new life. I am losing grip of who I am, where I am heading, and how can I get my financials and personal life in shape. It is a daily struggle and it is of no help if you have someone who belittles you every other day of what you have not done. When one have self-esteem issues and you are in a relationship with someone who has more issues than you are is a RECIPE FOR DISASTER! My current life is a cyclical of negativity then a bit of peace then back to negativity. I wish to drown myself of the misery and glue myself to the negativity that is surrounding my life so I would not have to get up and face another day. When you have NO VOICE and NOBODY is listening to you, they see you but they do not really see you..What would you do? Maybe, become invincible indefinitely……..

Ambiguity

What would you do if you feel empty, destitude, and ready to quit? Ambiguity about one’s  life choices means to be a death sentence. For a very long time, I go where the wind flows. Where did it got me?  A temporary refuge of darkness. I envy those people who knows where the light is and wants to aspire to be in it consistently. Consistency, persistence, and positivity are all the values that I lack. The 21 days rule of changing a habit is too much burden for me because at day 7, I crack and I go back to my old ways, old habits.

A quote (pulled out from google images) that I need to reflect on.

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Deadzone…version 2.0

Throwback blog from yesterday that I just posted today:

Today is Sunday, the 5th of August at 3 in the afternoon. Am in the backyard, composing this blog while playing frisbee and ball with my three dogs, Chazzy, Walter, and Peter Parker. My mind is rioting with ideas on how to rise above my deadzone state. I used to have a planner. Am thinking, would a planner help me get motivated to do the things that I wanted to do? How can I block my precious pages eBook? How can I be consistent in exercising every day? How can I finish one project a week related to house improvements? How can I save money to pay for my debts? How can I be consistently motivated  to wake up early  every day and do the things I wanted to do? How can I keep up with my studies and get very good grades?   So many questions and I know the answers but NO INERTIA TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. I have been meaning to talk to a psychologist for awhile now. I got the phone # and it is just one click away.  I have been reading, and I self diagnosed myselft  that I might be suffering from a borderline personality disorder (BPD). I need  to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to really know for sure what I have or have not. . I bought an e-book on BPD. I haven’t read the book yet and will read it next week.

It is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to be in a ying and yang state of mind plus having some self-esteem issues. If and when I see a psychologist, I’ll provide you an insight on the diagnosis as well as what management can be done.

I am planning to buy this KIKKI planner but I have to save up first because it cost like 74 bucks minus the monogram, shipping, and taxes. If I do buy one,  I need to used it consistently rather than on a need to need basis and should be part of my lifestyle change.

planner
KIKKI PERSONAL PLANNER, MEDIUM SIZE

Deadzone…version 1.0

My to do list are piling up and am stuck in a static mode. I feel like I am in a TWILIGHT ZONE, aptly titled the “DEADZONE”. I have more deadzone moments than dynamic moments in my entire life. I remember what my mom told me that I inherited the trait of sheer idleness on my father’s side. Maybe, maybe not. I do believe that I am partly shaped by genetics and by the environment. I guess I grew up pampered with household help doing the cooking, laundry, and other related housekeeping activities. I am not responsible either for the household help salaries and other costs involved in maintaining a household. All of these are being taken care of by my parents. I do not blame my parents for providing me the best possible conveniences life has to offer. I wish that my parents could have at an early age, given me responsibilities or tasks or has been given enough ARSENAL to cope up with the outside world.

If I have a kid and will probably not have one, I wish my kid to learn about good study habits, cooking, sewing, carpentry, and all the do-it-yourself (DIY) skills because it is with these skills that everything else follows. Of course, the importance of education, ethical values, and professionalism should not be taken for granted. A well-rounded individual is more ready to handle what challenges life has to offer.

Below are products of my motivational creativity which happens mostly RARELY. My paintings are copied versions of other people’s works. I used acrylic paints.



 

The haircut

Hair is a woman’s crowning glory. There is no argument to this statement because a contest between disheveled hair vs well fashioned hair and well cut hair always wins on the popularity on beauty and on life. I decided for an unknown reason that I wanted an undercut. Undercut/High Fade/Bald Fade/Hard Part/High & Tight originated in England in the Edwardian era (around the 1900’s – 1920’s). A style common among men  of  the working class and of the  poor. Back then, it signifies unskilled barbering.  I was aware of the undercut but has no inclination until now. My interest was piqued by an Instagram post of Ms. Alice Dixson, an actress in the Philippines. Her video post showed it could be hidden and not to be totally out there. My decision to do it now is  because I want something different or something that I have not done or maybe, it is an act of  Rebellion. Nice chick persona with a rebel in hiding. I had my undercut done by a barber because most of the hair salons that I called does not do undercut. Pinterest pictures of undercut does not come close to what my undercut looks like. There is a tiny bit of disappointment because it did not turn out the way I wanted to. Social media and reality, most of the time does not jive. 

My advise for those  women or men who wanted  this type of cut, look for a barber that is an expert on this field. I thought that the barber that I went  to are proficient in doing this type of style, unfortunately, it seems that they are not.  Another advise is to inform  the barber ahead of time what type of designs you wanted, show the picture or better yet, send the picture through an email a day or couple of hours from your scheduled appointment so that can prepare how  to take on an intricate design. Don’t forget to ask how much  and how long. For the cut,  I paid $40 plus tip ( I gave a big tip because it took the barber like an hour to finish the cut and for effort). My experience was comparable to an eyebrow threading, there is that grinding and ticklish feeling. 

Would I do it again? Maybe, depending on whose cutting my hair…CHOOSE WISELY.


My  reality  (left side)  vs.   alternate reality (right side)

                                 


 

The Sunset

The topic of sunset at daytime is a befitting conversation for people like myself who wants to sleep until late afternoon. My alternate reality of  orange yellowish musky color of sunsent beckons me into a lullaby of peaceful and quiet drift into deep undisturbed sleep.

My favorite poem below…a very common and may be so passe but it still affects and helps me to keep going…the line “rest if you must, but don’t you quit” is apt for what I feel right now.

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The reason…part 2

 


“The journey has ended…if the path points to unparalleled doubts, self-conflict, and a voiceless distraught… where the world around you is deaf, mute, and blind” – C-E

To the outside world, they see me as the  “cool chick” and not easily affected by what is happening around me. I have no time to be really affected by what the world has to offer because I am so wrapped around my own reality of cyclic on and off switch persona. My off switch, my personal life, is so chaotic. I guess, you could it could be a making of a mini-drama series. I have never formed my own identity. Even in high school, I do not know what I wanted. I grew up in a VERY MATRIARCHAL family. My perception is my mom is always right, so to have no conflict, one must always agree for the sake of family stability. Her voice became my voice. I grappled with what I wanted to be, who am I, and what I really wanted to do with my life. In 1992, I enrolled in nursing because it was supposed to be a pathway to medical school. Frankly, I never imagined myself wearing a white uniform and white caps like Florence Nightingale nor I imagined myself working in nursing or medical field because I felt at that time because I thought I have neither a nurturing or caring attitude flowing through my veins. When one has no idea what road to take, you end in a road that you seem like you are just floating wherever it takes you, so I floated in the nursing profession.

Second year of nursing school, I told my parents that I wanted to switch to a different course. I wanted to transfer to accounting. The reason was quite funny, it’s because I do not like to do bedmaking. I felt that nurses are reduced to making a perfect bed with MITERED corners (which by the way, I haven’t done for seems like eons ago). Fortunately, my mom told me that I should finish what I have started and plus the fact my parents are the one supporting my schooling. In hindsight, I owe it to her that there is one thing that I was able to finish up to the end because after college, I have the habit of just starting and not finishing anything. After graduation, I sporadically applied to different hospitals in my home country. The nursing jobs that I applied for, I usually get it but most of the time, I only stayed in those jobs for about 1-4 months then I quit.  The common denominator was I was a perfectionist and I made some mistakes ergo, I felt like I am not for the nursing profession. I lack the passion, or shall I say my passion meter was  close to NIL. On the site note, working in  World Citi Medical Center has helped me regain my curiosity for nursing and helped shaped my clinical skills. It is befitting to say that the staff at World Citi at that time was eager to teach fresh graduates and devoid of ego-tripping as well as  the concept of  the “senior vs. junior mentality”

 


 

 

First job: Makati Medical Center    2nd job: Medical City          3rd job: World Citi        Length of service: 1 month        Length of service: 4 mos.      Length of service: 6 mos.

 

mitered

This is how to do the MITERED corners in bed making