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How do you navigate a life full of ambivalence?

How do you deal with a life influenced by the people around you?

How do you  deal with addictions of laziness, movies, phone, and bed?

These are few of  the questions that questions my mental health…




NP clinical rotation…

My preceptor is nice but the clinical site that I am is all together foreign to me. One nurse who is in intensive care unit who have been in icu for so many years told me to go butt in and starting ordering stuff. I just keep quit and mum. He does not know that I am afraid because I lack the medical knowledge and I have no clinical experience in an intensive care unit (ICU).  I felt so out of place and I felt so inadequate. I felt that I am just a canvass every time I come and I felt that I am not learning. I have so many questions  but I felt that my preceptor is not open to answering. I ask him if I can observe how he does clinical precodures like arterial lines, endotracheal tube, and etc..and he told me, view it in youtube…seeing it done in actuality is better than a pseudo-environment right…This is hard than I thought, if you a got a preceptor who left you for hours and not even discuss on how to manage patients and willing to share their tricks of the trade. I am literally, crawling on my first clinical rotation and it does not help that the staff seems to be not that welcoming.

I literally blew up yesterday and today’s clinical rotation because I was absent. i felt that I am suffering from a post-traumatic syndrome that just thinking of seeing my preceptor and the clinical site wants me to vomit. I should have head my clinical experience counselor that I should have chosen a preceptor that I know and work closely to avoid clash in personality and demeanor. I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO QUIT! I need advice for those who have experience the same situation as I am. HELP…



For the past two weeks, I had been in the eye of the storm. I was ready to pack up, go home to my home country, and create a new life. I am losing grip of who I am, where I am heading, and how can I get my financials and personal life in shape. It is a daily struggle and it is of no help if you have someone who belittles you every other day of what you have not done. When one have self-esteem issues and you are in a relationship with someone who has more issues than you are is a RECIPE FOR DISASTER! My current life is a cyclical of negativity then a bit of peace then back to negativity. I wish to drown myself of the misery and glue myself to the negativity that is surrounding my life so I would not have to get up and face another day. When you have NO VOICE and NOBODY is listening to you, they see you but they do not really see you..What would you do? Maybe, become invincible indefinitely……..


What would you do if you feel empty, destitude, and ready to quit? Ambiguity about one’s  life choices means to be a death sentence. For a very long time, I go where the wind flows. Where did it got me?  A temporary refuge of darkness. I envy those people who knows where the light is and wants to aspire to be in it consistently. Consistency, persistence, and positivity are all the values that I lack. The 21 days rule of changing a habit is too much burden for me because at day 7, I crack and I go back to my old ways, old habits.

A quote (pulled out from google images) that I need to reflect on.



Deadzone…version 2.0

Throwback blog from yesterday that I just posted today:

Today is Sunday, the 5th of August at 3 in the afternoon. Am in the backyard, composing this blog while playing frisbee and ball with my three dogs, Chazzy, Walter, and Peter Parker. My mind is rioting with ideas on how to rise above my deadzone state. I used to have a planner. Am thinking, would a planner help me get motivated to do the things that I wanted to do? How can I block my precious pages eBook? How can I be consistent in exercising every day? How can I finish one project a week related to house improvements? How can I save money to pay for my debts? How can I be consistently motivated  to wake up early  every day and do the things I wanted to do? How can I keep up with my studies and get very good grades?   So many questions and I know the answers but NO INERTIA TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. I have been meaning to talk to a psychologist for awhile now. I got the phone # and it is just one click away.  I have been reading, and I self diagnosed myselft  that I might be suffering from a borderline personality disorder (BPD). I need  to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to really know for sure what I have or have not. . I bought an e-book on BPD. I haven’t read the book yet and will read it next week.

It is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to be in a ying and yang state of mind plus having some self-esteem issues. If and when I see a psychologist, I’ll provide you an insight on the diagnosis as well as what management can be done.

I am planning to buy this KIKKI planner but I have to save up first because it cost like 74 bucks minus the monogram, shipping, and taxes. If I do buy one,  I need to used it consistently rather than on a need to need basis and should be part of my lifestyle change.