How do you navigate a life full of ambivalence?
How do you deal with a life influenced by the people around you?
How do you deal with addictions of laziness, movies, phone, and bed?
These are few of the questions that questions my mental health…
Author: conflictedescape
Just cruisin' through life...
NP clinical rotation…
My preceptor is nice but the clinical site that I am is all together foreign to me. One nurse who is in intensive care unit who have been in icu for so many years told me to go butt in and starting ordering stuff. I just keep quit and mum. He does not know that I am afraid because I lack the medical knowledge and I have no clinical experience in an intensive care unit (ICU). I felt so out of place and I felt so inadequate. I felt that I am just a canvass every time I come and I felt that I am not learning. I have so many questions but I felt that my preceptor is not open to answering. I ask him if I can observe how he does clinical precodures like arterial lines, endotracheal tube, and etc..and he told me, view it in youtube…seeing it done in actuality is better than a pseudo-environment right…This is hard than I thought, if you a got a preceptor who left you for hours and not even discuss on how to manage patients and willing to share their tricks of the trade. I am literally, crawling on my first clinical rotation and it does not help that the staff seems to be not that welcoming.
I literally blew up yesterday and today’s clinical rotation because I was absent. i felt that I am suffering from a post-traumatic syndrome that just thinking of seeing my preceptor and the clinical site wants me to vomit. I should have head my clinical experience counselor that I should have chosen a preceptor that I know and work closely to avoid clash in personality and demeanor. I HAVE BEEN MEANING TO QUIT! I need advice for those who have experience the same situation as I am. HELP…
The walk…
I have been stuck in the laziness and bed addiction for a long time now. I should know the importance of maintaining physical activity, healthy diet and healthy weight loss…The idea of engaging in physical activity only stays in my mind and it has not been converted into action. I need the catalyst to jump into action. My dogs Chazzy, Peter Parker, and Walter are the major motivating factor for me to get out of bed and do some walking but other than that none whatsoever can push me into action. 
Mai tai
Whoaa…been awhile I had a drink feels like am in La la la land…My Mai tai has been diluted with pineapple and orange juice…I still feel dizzy and wants to go to sleep…a normal reaction when I have alcohol…I hope, I get to sleep well tonite. 
Storm…
For the past two weeks, I had been in the eye of the storm. I was ready to pack up, go home to my home country, and create a new life. I am losing grip of who I am, where I am heading, and how can I get my financials and personal life in shape. It is a daily struggle and it is of no help if you have someone who belittles you every other day of what you have not done. When one have self-esteem issues and you are in a relationship with someone who has more issues than you are is a RECIPE FOR DISASTER! My current life is a cyclical of negativity then a bit of peace then back to negativity. I wish to drown myself of the misery and glue myself to the negativity that is surrounding my life so I would not have to get up and face another day. When you have NO VOICE and NOBODY is listening to you, they see you but they do not really see you..What would you do? Maybe, become invincible indefinitely……..
Ambiguity
What would you do if you feel empty, destitude, and ready to quit? Ambiguity about one’s life choices means to be a death sentence. For a very long time, I go where the wind flows. Where did it got me? A temporary refuge of darkness. I envy those people who knows where the light is and wants to aspire to be in it consistently. Consistency, persistence, and positivity are all the values that I lack. The 21 days rule of changing a habit is too much burden for me because at day 7, I crack and I go back to my old ways, old habits.
A quote (pulled out from google images) that I need to reflect on.
Deadzone…version 2.0
Throwback blog from yesterday that I just posted today:
Today is Sunday, the 5th of August at 3 in the afternoon. Am in the backyard, composing this blog while playing frisbee and ball with my three dogs, Chazzy, Walter, and Peter Parker. My mind is rioting with ideas on how to rise above my deadzone state. I used to have a planner. Am thinking, would a planner help me get motivated to do the things that I wanted to do? How can I block my precious pages eBook? How can I be consistent in exercising every day? How can I finish one project a week related to house improvements? How can I save money to pay for my debts? How can I be consistently motivated to wake up early every day and do the things I wanted to do? How can I keep up with my studies and get very good grades? So many questions and I know the answers but NO INERTIA TO DO WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. I have been meaning to talk to a psychologist for awhile now. I got the phone # and it is just one click away. I have been reading, and I self diagnosed myselft that I might be suffering from a borderline personality disorder (BPD). I need to see a psychologist or a psychiatrist to really know for sure what I have or have not. . I bought an e-book on BPD. I haven’t read the book yet and will read it next week.
It is a CONSTANT STRUGGLE to be in a ying and yang state of mind plus having some self-esteem issues. If and when I see a psychologist, I’ll provide you an insight on the diagnosis as well as what management can be done.
I am planning to buy this KIKKI planner but I have to save up first because it cost like 74 bucks minus the monogram, shipping, and taxes. If I do buy one, I need to used it consistently rather than on a need to need basis and should be part of my lifestyle change.
Deadzone…version 1.0
My to do list are piling up and am stuck in a static mode. I feel like I am in a TWILIGHT ZONE, aptly titled the “DEADZONE”. I have more deadzone moments than dynamic moments in my entire life. I remember what my mom told me that I inherited the trait of sheer idleness on my father’s side. Maybe, maybe not. I do believe that I am partly shaped by genetics and by the environment. I guess I grew up pampered with household help doing the cooking, laundry, and other related housekeeping activities. I am not responsible either for the household help salaries and other costs involved in maintaining a household. All of these are being taken care of by my parents. I do not blame my parents for providing me the best possible conveniences life has to offer. I wish that my parents could have at an early age, given me responsibilities or tasks or has been given enough ARSENAL to cope up with the outside world.
If I have a kid and will probably not have one, I wish my kid to learn about good study habits, cooking, sewing, carpentry, and all the do-it-yourself (DIY) skills because it is with these skills that everything else follows. Of course, the importance of education, ethical values, and professionalism should not be taken for granted. A well-rounded individual is more ready to handle what challenges life has to offer.
Below are products of my motivational creativity which happens mostly RARELY. My paintings are copied versions of other people’s works. I used acrylic paints.
The haircut
Hair is a woman’s crowning glory. There is no argument to this statement because a contest between disheveled hair vs well fashioned hair and well cut hair always wins on the popularity on beauty and on life. I decided for an unknown reason that I wanted an undercut. Undercut/High Fade/Bald Fade/Hard Part/High & Tight originated in England in the Edwardian era (around the 1900’s – 1920’s). A style common among men of the working class and of the poor. Back then, it signifies unskilled barbering. I was aware of the undercut but has no inclination until now. My interest was piqued by an Instagram post of Ms. Alice Dixson, an actress in the Philippines. Her video post showed it could be hidden and not to be totally out there. My decision to do it now is because I want something different or something that I have not done or maybe, it is an act of Rebellion. Nice chick persona with a rebel in hiding. I had my undercut done by a barber because most of the hair salons that I called does not do undercut. Pinterest pictures of undercut does not come close to what my undercut looks like. There is a tiny bit of disappointment because it did not turn out the way I wanted to. Social media and reality, most of the time does not jive.
My advise for those women or men who wanted this type of cut, look for a barber that is an expert on this field. I thought that the barber that I went to are proficient in doing this type of style, unfortunately, it seems that they are not. Another advise is to inform the barber ahead of time what type of designs you wanted, show the picture or better yet, send the picture through an email a day or couple of hours from your scheduled appointment so that can prepare how to take on an intricate design. Don’t forget to ask how much and how long. For the cut, I paid $40 plus tip ( I gave a big tip because it took the barber like an hour to finish the cut and for effort). My experience was comparable to an eyebrow threading, there is that grinding and ticklish feeling.
Would I do it again? Maybe, depending on whose cutting my hair…CHOOSE WISELY.
My reality (left side) vs. alternate reality (right side)
My reality
Alternate Reality
conflicted_escape 